MWNews 254

 Maeghan

So, we were told the horrible news about Meaghan. They told us to take a few days and think about it. They scheduled more appointments later.

I have to say, it was devastating. From my point of view, I didn't really feel anything. I was numb. I didn't think about it, I didn't do anything, I just remember not feeling anything about anything. I am sure I went back to work, but I don't remember doing any of that. I must have, because it wasn't just a few days, it was a few months, so I must have been working. I just have no memory of it.

What I do remember is driving. I know Juanita and I would just get in the car and drive. I don't think we talked about it, I don't remember any plans, I just remember driving. All over the countryside. I can't tell you how long that went on, but I know it was every weekend for several weeks and after every visit to the doctors. I don't know what we did during the week, but we drove on the weekend.

We kept going back to the doctors. We were told all the possibilities, or what I assumed were all the possibilities. They told us she probably wouldn't survive. That, if she did survive until birth, she would most likely be paralysed from the neck down. That she would probably have brain damage. That there were all kinds of things that would not work. Horrible, horrible things that were going to happen to her. It was devastating, each time. Because they didn't just tell us this once, they kept bringing us back in and saying it again and again. 

And I can say, it had never even occurred to me until they said it, but the bastards wanted us to abort. They told us that several weeks after the initial diagnosis. I honestly had never thought about that. I don't know about Juanita, but that wasn't anything I would ever be prepared to do. It wasn't an option as far as I was concerned. After they told us that, and it was several doctors that told us the same thing, they had us go and think about it. 

Juanita and I never really talked about it, only once I think. We were driving, as we always were at that time, and she said she did not want to abort. I said I couldn't do that either, or something like that. As far as I was concerned, it was not an option. She agreed and I think that is the only time we ever mentioned it to each other.

They kept doing scans. Lots of scans. They kept saying they did not see any movement or anything. But Juanita kept insisting she could feel the baby moving. That she knew Maeghan was in there and moving around all the time. The doctors kept saying no, they didn't see it. You may think this would cause me to stop trusting the doctors. To be honest, my opinions of the medical profession did not start there, but I think this is where they solidified. This story isn't about that, but it lets you know some of where I am coming from and some of the opinions I still have today.

The head doctor was really bad. Maybe it was his job to give the bad news, but I don't think he was very nice or sympathetic, Again, maybe that was his role, but a lot of the other doctors were much better at the interrelation part. I don't really know because I was still numb, for most of the remaining pregnancy. I know it had to have been months, I don't really remember at what point we were told most of this. It had to be later in the pregnancy since Maeghan was supposed to be fully formed at this point. Or so I think it was. I don't know enough about it or remember the exact timelines of when things happen, but I think it was probably six or seven months into it when they found the problem.

As I said, I was numb. I don't remember going to work during that time. I don't know what Juanita was doing if I was going to work. I think Juanita's parents came over at some point. Maybe they were already here or maybe it was afterwards. I don't know. Maybe it was one of the girls, or maybe both. Michael would have been there. I just don't remember. Someone would have had to be staying with Juanita while I was working. I don't remember them being with us on the drives. I don't know. Maybe it is part of my disease, that I don't remember anymore. Maybe it was just too terrible of a time and I have suppressed those memories. I don't know. I wish I did, or maybe I am happy I do not. It was the worst time I can remember.

I think I was in there for the birth. It was caesarean. I get confused about what happened with each birth. I confuse the details of what happened with each one. Obviously, Maeghan was born. I do seem to recall that the doctors or nurses were amazed that Maeghan appeared normal, if small, and that she was alive and breathing and moving. It was more of an impression I got and not anything anyone said, but I do seem to recall that they were amazed that she was moving her legs and everything. Maybe I am confused, but that is the memory I have and the one I want to keep from the birth.

I am going to leave it again. I am at work and you know the story. Still cannot type this with any semblance of dignity. I'll get back to it when I can.

Later