MWNews 262

 I have been reading though the old entries, from the beginning. Some of it still makes me cry, but it seems I cry at everything these days. I miss the kids. Not that they are not around and I can pretty much see them anytime I want, but reading through the old stuff and the old antics they used to get up to just brings back a lot of joy and happiness we had. I am just up to the point where William was born. I know I had heart surgery around that time, so I am wondering what I might have typed into this thing about that. Probably nothing, but we will see.

For now, I will continue to add to it. I am thinking I need to add the pictures back. It just doesn't look good without them. Probably use the same pictures over again as I don't want to go back and look to see if I am repeating, and I have been away for a while so I don't know which ones I have used. It will be individual pictures of each of them instead of them together as I have a lot of those that have never been in here. I will have a look when I get home, or sometime this weekend, or next week, or whenever I get around to it.

Juanita is going to Tasmania this weekend. She is going to see her friend who has been diagnosed with cancer. I told her we were going in November for her birthday, but she insists she needs to go now. so I have the weekend with just me and William. William never wants to go anywhere so it will probably be just me. I have asked Maeghan if she wants to go somewhere but she hasn't answered yet. She might before I finish this entry, so I might have an update. She will probably say "I don't care" which what she always says, but maybe there is some place she wants to go and has not had a chance since she can't drive.

That is becoming a bigger and bigger issue. Neither William or Maeghan can drive. Maeghan because she needs special modifications to the car so she can drive it and there does not appear to be a lot of places that have the cars to do the driver training she needs. And, it is turning out, that NDIS is not going to pay for any of it, which is what they were originally designed to do but they have changed all their criteria and support when they found out people were actually trying to cheat the government. Imagine that. So they have overrun the original costs they had planned for and are now revamping what is and what is not covered and who is eligible for it. Driving does not appear to be a necessary service. Their attitude appears to be you can just take the bus and driving is not necessary. But the parameters are still being defined and it might get better. Maeghan had to fire her support company because they were incompetent. Long story I might tell, but they were not doing the things they said they were doing and were not filling out required paperwork that was needed to get Maeghan's benefits. I think they were one of the companies that were cheating the government, turning in false claims and false information so they would get paid but were actually doing nothing for their clients. All speculation on my part, but she has a new support worker now and hopefully, she can get things done as they should be.

I need to get William into driving my car. I have been reluctant as the car was brand new, but it is two years old now, so maybe he can learn to drive in it. He says he is too tall to drive but we have explained that a lot of people are tall and they manage to drive. William is 6'7". I am not sure what that is in Australian measurements but it is tall in American. I could probably do the conversion, but then what would the readers do. 

A big issue is there are not any places where you can go to learn to drive. Things like stadium parking where there is a lot of space where you won't run into anything. There are shopping centers but they are busy during the day and usually closed off at night. Plus, most of them are parking garages and not suitable to learning to drive. I just don't know of a place where he can get used to how the car moves without the threat of running into something, or someone. But, I need to find something soon because he really needs to learn to drive.

So does Maeghan. It is more important that she learns to drive as she is not mobile unless someone takes her to where she needs to go. She can take the busses and trains, but that is a flakey situation that requires a lot of extra time to get anywhere. If she could drive, she could go anytime she wants. She does have the money to buy a car, and NDIS is supposed to do the modifications to it to allow her to carry her wheelchair, but that is becoming more and more iffy as well. She is not sure they will pay for it, and it costs almost as much as a car will. It might come down to me paying for it, but that is my retirement money and I am becoming more and more scared of spending that as I get closer to retirement. I don't have a way to build it back up unless I just keep working. And I do not want to do that.

I am ready to retire. I am tired. I am burned out, and I no longer want to work in IT. My body says I shouldn't be working anywhere, but if I can find something simple, I would gladly take it. Of course, this job is supposed to be simple, and for the most part it is. Nothing really major and mostly just repetitive, which I don't mind, so this would actually be the job I should stay at, if I am going to continue to work. But that brings up the current situation in that a lot of the people up here have recently quit. They quit for good reasons, better jobs, but it means they will have to hire more people. People that I might not get along with or might require me to do more than I am willing to do at this point in my career. I can't go through that again. I can get used to someone new, but waiting for them to get used to me, and possibly not liking who I am and what I do and expecting more from me, I am not ready to do that again. Hopefully, six more months, but we will see.

Maeghan still hasn't replied and I am about to have to go into a meeting and then go home for the day. I guess that means I will end this and probably not get back to it. I have a lot of what has gone on for the two years I was away, or I think I do. Maybe even some of it will be about the kids. I intend to keep cranking these out as fast as I can but maybe not as fast as I would like. I enjoy it, except the crying part, and I hope when the kids inherit this, they will too. I know they will. I'd like for others to enjoy it but then again, why would I. It is for the kids. Not for me, or maybe mostly for me, but for the kids. To remember and look back on things they might not have known and might enjoy reliving from my perspective. See you all again real soon.

Later

MWNews 261

 My health has deteriorated in the past few years. Or, it hasn't gotten better. I feel awful. Tired and ackey most of the time. Physically, I am not sure what is going on. Am I just getting old or is there something wrong. I don't know and I do not know how to tell a doctor. I say things and he wants me to go for tests. They don't find anything or they recommend I go to physical therapy. I have tried physical therapy. They tell me to go home and do some silly exercise or something. I do it and it never helps. I still feel lousy. I don't know what else to do. I have tried exercising on my own, but that doesn't last very long before I get tired of it or something happens and I get out of rhythm so I have to start over again. It's all my fault but, in the end, I still feel bad.

My back hurts, my knees hurt, my ankles hurt, everything hurts. Exercising makes it worse. I feel really bad for longer after I do it. Maybe it is just me and I am not doing enough, but it is kind of hard when you are in so much pain, you can't continue and you just want to take a break. So I skip a day and then I skip two days and soon enough, I can't do it anymore and I have to start the whole routine over again. It is very frustrating.

And yes, I know, that is everyone's problem and everyone has the same complaints. But I didn't used to be that way and I could finish everything I wanted to do. So it must be the getting old problem and there is nothing I can do to fix that.

I also have heart issues over and over again. And the threat of strokes because I keep getting TIA's or TAI's or whatever it is you get that is like a mini stroke and indicates you are at risk of getting a real stroke. I have them about every three months. Doctors tell me I need to go to the hospital immediately so they can check me while it is happening but it never happens when I can immediately go to the hospital and by the time I get there, they say they are guessing it was a TIA but they are never sure. Very frustrating.

But that is all physical stuff, and is by no means all the physical issues I am having. The real problem is mental. I think I am fast approaching mental incapacity. Dementia. It is bad. Real bad. So much so, I keep having disturbing thoughts. I do not want to lose my mind. It is all I have ever had. I was always, or most of the time, the smartest one in the room. Didn't matter where I was or who I was with, I knew I could out think anyone, or had more knowledge than anyone around me. Arrogance on my part, but that doesn't make it not true. It didn't matter what subject or what anyone was talking about, I always knew something about it and generally I had more knowledge than the person who was speaking. I always tried to not speak my mind and let them discover that I could help if they needed it, but in my mind, I knew it. Again, genuine arrogance on my part, but that's me. The smartest one in the room, if only in my mind.

I am not that anymore. I am not the smartest one in the room. I am learning to live with it. Sometimes, I think I should get more involved and learn about what others are talking about, but then I think I am old and will retire soon, so why learn something new just so I will have no use for it when I do retire. I debate on the usefulness of me learning something new and whether it will make me happy or not. Most of the time, I come up with no, too much effort for too little gain. Makes me look stupid most of the time, but I can live with that. Or, I think I can. I am trying to live with it.

I think the biggest issue is, what if I can't. What if my mental state and my inability to remember what I am saying in the middle of saying it, indicates that I no longer can learn what I need to learn or what I need to do. It faces me all the time. Am I still capable. I don't know and I am afraid to find out. So I stay in ignorance and let others do it. 

I know that at times, I am truly brilliant. I give little speeches that are inciteful, accurate, and come up with real solutions to problems. So I know I can still do it. It is just that 24 hours later, I have no idea what I was talking about or why I was saying or doing whatever it is I did. People come back to me and say they thought that was a good idea and I have no recollection of what they are talking about. I cannot elaborate on it. Again, it makes me come off as ignorant and not helpful. But I don't remember and no amount of trying ever seems to bring it back. The ideas are gone and the seeming knowledge and insight I had is no longer there. I forget it. It's gone. Maybe I come up with the same idea months later, but I don't remember ever saying anything about it.

You know I have lots more to say about it. I will eventually. But for now, this self pity has gone on long enough and I need to go to lunch. Maybe a sandwich will help. I have salami and cheese. And pickle, I love pickles. I even have a t-shirt that says I love pickles. It says, 'I love pickles and chilis and maybe three other people'. I get comments on it every time I wear it. It is a lot of fun so I have to save it for when we go out or go somewhere so people will be amused and tell me they feel the same way. It is a lot of fun.

But this does mean I am closing this entry. I will be back to talk more about me, I mean the kids, later. It is Friday, so maybe I will do it at home on the weekend. That will never happen, but maybe. I do feel like playing some Civilization. Can't type and play at the same time, but maybe I can figure out a way.

Later

MWNews 260

I am finding it hard to believe I am typing this again. Making new entries into the blog. I always knew I would be back some day, but didn't think it would take two years and since it has, I can't believe I have started. I wish I could do it more often

This one isn't a childhood story. Just general mayhem. I am going to wing it and probably just type a little and then get back to it as I can. I might tell a few stories, but that is what this is for. I just don't know where the muse will take me. 

I think I am noticing something a bit different in the font that is being used. Can't be bothered to go back and compare, but something about it looks different. Probably just my imagination. But something is different. Can't tell what.

I have also debated on putting pictures back in. I always had trouble doing that since I am doing it at work and it is hard to get the pictures onto my work computer. Not hard, just not something I wanted to do. I probably won't do it, but I might, if I ever do this at home, go back into the entries and add the pictures from my home computer. Just depends on how interested I am in doing it. One thing I have thought, over the years, is the pictures might be why people look at this blog. Pictures of kids and stuff, if you know what I mean. I have always debated it but decided it was better to have the pictures and ignore the ramifications. Might have been a bad idea, but it is too late now, unless I go back and delete them all. I will decide when I get older. 

Oh wait, I am older. And, I am uncomfortable with the pictures being there. I watch some YouTube videos and a lot of them have blurred out the kids in the pictures. Most of them haven't, but there are quite a few that have. I understand it was at the direction of YouTube. I will definitely do it if I am told to do it, but for now, they are there and I am debating continuing it. It is a whole lot easier if I don't, but we will see. 

Maeghan is going to University now. She has two years left. I don't know if I talked about that before. She is studying Graphic Design. She decided she didn't really want to do the kids thing anymore. I think she might change her mind at some point, but for now, this is what she wants. She got a HECS debt to afford to go to University. Not sure how much it is. It is fairly expensive to go. I won't go into HECS debts but here in Australia, you can get your schooling paid for and they don't want the money back until you get a job. Then they take some percentage from your check to pay the debt. I am not sure how it works, but it allows anyone to go to school if they want to.

She has taken one programming course, along with all the other art and design courses. She hated it. Not sure if she realises that Graphic Design is more than just drawing. She has done some stop animation movies, or shorts, and will have to do a bunch more. She has to draw each picture and then put them together. It takes forever but I think she enjoys it. We will see if she completes the course and where it leads her. I know she will complete it, but two more years might seem like a long time to go.

William is now a certified security guard. He just got his certificate this week. Been about six months of work and a lot of fees, but he has the card now, so he can apply for jobs. Problem is, most of the jobs he has found require two years experience. I don't know how hard he has looked, but I think he is already getting discouraged. I might have to help him at some point, but that goes back to the old thing I am trying to do. I want both of them to be able to do things on their own. Not depend on me to do it for them. Maeghan is doing ok, she should ask me more often, but she is trying to get it done on her own. 

William is trying to do it on his own also, but I keep having to do the computer work for him. Filling out forms and stuff. He has done a lot, but if it is something new, he asks me to do it and that takes forever because I am old and don't want to do it. But I help when I get in the mood. He applied, followed up and did most of the paperwork for the security guard stuff, but in the end, I had to help or look over the work to make sure it was done correctly. He actually did it better than I did as I didn't know some things that he did, so I think he will be alright. As long as he does not get too discouraged about the progress in finding a job that will hire him straight out of class. I haven't looked yet, but maybe he can do it on his own. I can't help as I have never done it before, but I can show him some better ways to look.

I think he needs to get onto Centrelink and get them to do some things for him, specifically, pay him some money while he looks. I think they should have already done that, but that is a whole other story I will not get into. They might also help him find a job. They are supposed to do that, or they used to. Now, I think it might be that they just provide a computer for you to look up jobs. He doesn't really need that. Maybe he can do it all on his own, but if I ever get better, I will eventually try to do it for him. My feeling is, he has about six months left before I plan to retire and then I can help him fulltime. And that brings us to me and where I am at.

I did have a lot more in this entry, but it was about me. I decided to make it a separate entry. That will make this one and the next one short, but I thought it would be better that way. Don't know why, but it is about to be done now, so no going back. For now, that is all I have to say. Look forward to my sad story in the next issue.

Later

MWNews 259

William

 I should mention that when William was born, I was preparing to go into the hospital for open heart surgery. So not only was Juanita dealing with the pain her pregnancy was causing, she had to worry about me and surgery. 

I am pretty sure her parents were here at that time. Someone was here with her. The birth itself was nothing really to write about. I don't remember any issues, other than William was in the wrong position again, so they delayed the birth for a week or ten days. I have no idea why, it was going to be a cesarian again, so what difference does the position of the baby have to do with anything. I suppose I just don't know enough about it.

And come to think about it, how was I able to take all that time off work. I was off for I think two months. I was working at CSC but had only been there for a while. How did I have that much time off for this. And was I restricted when I went back. I was in charge of stuff, so how did that work. I don't remember and I don't really care at this time, so let's leave it at that.

William was the baby. Maeghan loved the baby. I do remember stories about him having to eat every two hours. Juanita would have to get up and feed him all the time. He was big and getting bigger. I suppose it didn't really effect me as I did not have to feed him, but I am told it was every two hours. Actually, I have no idea if that is a lot of not. How would I know. Seemed ok to me, I'd like to eat every two hours, so if you can get away with it, go for it. William had the right idea.

Me not being able to lift him or anything was probably also a problem, but I don't remember it being an issue other than getting yelled at when I did something I was not supposed to do. A quick story about what I am sure I have written about before.

The most painful thing about the surgery, and they told me there were a lot of things that would be bad but I never noticed them being that bad. The worst thing was when they pulled the staples out of my chest and leg. Especially, around the ankle. That hurt. I think it is because they cannot really numb the area, just the skin or something, but when they pulled the staples, and they are giant staples, when they pulled them out of the bones, that hurt. Just wanted to mention that again, in case anyone is thinking of doing it. The operation, don't remember it, but the staples, that I remember. But that is my story and not William's.

The problem with William didn't start until he started moving. Crawling, scooting, and then walking, he was always on the move. All the time, anywhere, no matter what else he was supposed to be doing. He would crawl around his bed. He would try, and eventually succeeded, to pull himself up on the crib. He just always wanted to be moving and investigating something. You had to constantly watch him. Turn your back for a moment, and he had climbed out of his crip, climbed up on something, crawled somewhere he wasn't supposed to be. He was on the move. Even if you were holding him, if you turned your attention away for a second, he was trying to get away and into something. 

Around the house, it was not really a problem. You just had to watch him and make sure he didn't get into the cabinets, or up on the counters, or under something. He would open a drawer in the kitchen and climb up on it, then open another drawer and climb into that and then he could reach the counter and would get up on there. I think he only made it a couple of times before we caught him doing it, but getting into the cabinets, you sometimes wouldn't notice and then spend time looking for him and where he went.

The big problem came when we went out. We like to go out for coffee a lot. Just go to the shops and sit and have a coffee and relax. That ended with William. It was two years, maybe more, where we did not go anywhere. He was just too much to deal with. One of us would have to constantly keep an eye on him while the other had coffee. It was not fun. He never did the screaming kid thing, but he did not stay still and was always trying to get out to explore. Strap him in, he would struggle and struggle to get out and a lot of times, he would figure it out and get himself out of the straps. 

He was just curious I guess, and not just in what we were doing. He would go to other people and join them or climb over them to get to something if we would let him. He would just make a nuisance of himself so eventually, we would just have to leave and go back home. After a while we just stopped going. For about two years. It wasn't bad but that kid was the definition of rambunctious. And I have no idea if I spelled that right. It says it is ok but it gave me three options and all of them looked right, so I went with that one.

I don't think William ever grew out of it. He just learned to do it without bothering other people of making a nuisance of himself. He just became William. Curious, always asking questions, looking into things on his own. I know with Maeghan and all the attention she got from doctors and everyone else, he felt kind of left out and I am sorry it had to be that way. Maeghan always had something we were worried about and had to talk about so he didn't get to be involved. I think it has affected him more than we realise over the years.

I am very proud of William. He does things that I would never think to do or think about him doing them. I don't want to bring religion into it, but when we have gone to church or a meeting or something, he talks to people, asks them what is wrong or tries to talk to them and help them. It is just amazing. I don't really want to encourage it, but it is sometimes one of the most amazing things I see. 

He doesn't have a lot of friends, now or ever. He is a bit too sure of himself to really make friends that stay with him. I have always thought he would grow out of it. It is just typical kids or boy stuff. Always has to have a word in the conversation and really tries to express his opinion. Problem is, most of the time he is wrong or exaggerated or just not really straight with the facts. But he tells it to you like it is the only thing that means anything. I love William, but sometimes he is just wrong and I don't want to discourage him from expressing his opinion so I just let him go. But it gets him in trouble with his friends.

William, if you ever read this and I doubt if you ever will, I love you and I am very very proud of you. I am waiting for you to set your life up and get into what you want to do before I really let you know how I feel and try to guide you but I feel I have left it too long. I don't want to discourage you. You keep doing what it is you do and eventually, you will find people that appreciate you for you and not the over-exaggerated stories you try to tell. I have seen it with all teenagers and kids and especially boys, but I know you will become better for it and I will continue to be the most proud of what you have accomplished. Don't let anyone ever tell you you are disadvantaged or anything. You are special and you will make a good life for yourself. I love you.

And with that, I will end this entry. I think I have told most of the stories I wanted to tell. I will now move on the general entries like I used to do. Or, maybe not.

Later

MWNews 258

 Maeghan

Maeghan's second operation was a bit more complicated, or so we were told. They were going to try to fix the split in her spinal column up near her neck. This is the one they had been waiting for. It was the one that would determine if she was 'normal' or if she would be paralysed or worse. I say this over and over, but I don't remember when this happened or how old she was. I am pretty sure it was before she was 3, but I don't know how much younger, or maybe older. I don't know.

The operation itself was supposed to take about 8 hours, I believe. A long time with not a lot of news from the room. I don't know how many doctors were to be involved but I think there were a lot of observers. I am vaguely remembering this, so I am probably getting some of it wrong.

We had to go through the putting her under again. I don't remember if she was walking yet. She didn't walk until she was about 2, so it could have been before that but I don't think so. She was walking and talking. She was always talking. I have probably gone through some of this in the earliest blogs so I should go back and read them to make sure I am not contradicting things. But I won't, go back that is. So if I tell the story differently, the earlier ones are more accurate, so ignore them and try to follow along with the new story.

I really have no idea what they actually did. It was to fix her neck. What that involved is beyond me. Strange that I have not done more research on it. That is what I would normally do, but phones were not what we have now and I was probably using an old flip phone. I know I had the Nokia Navigator back then, for a long time. I loved that phone. But it did not have internet and I am pretty sure no one had heard of an iPhone, so looking things up was not an option.

Juanita seemed to think that Maeghan's spine was split into three but I don't know where she heard that. Maybe they said something at some point or maybe we were just looking at pictures and we didn't know what they were showing us. The surgeon that was doing it said there was just a split and he was going to attempt to repair it. I don't know, but no one ever said three so I will discount that as Juanita misunderstanding what was happening.

I don't remember watching William, so that is why I think it was before she was three. William was born when she was after that, so I think it was when she was two or something. Guess it doesn't really matter.

Maeghan came out of the operation with no issues. Then again, how would we know. We had been given so many warnings about what could and probably would happen, that just having her still with us was the happiest we had been. The doctor came out and was all excited and said everything had gone really well and they had fixed everything. He seemed really pleased so we were really pleased. He said things would show up later in life but for now, everything was good. She wasn't in danger of losing her ability to walk or anything for a while, so it was all good. They had stabilized it and she didn't have any outstanding issues. She still had the fused spine in the lower part of her back, so she would still be small, but for now, she was fine and has been ever since then. Still don't know what the ramifications are for the future, but it was all good back then.

Which brings us to the walking and talking stage and Maeghan being the cutest thing that ever was. I have told those stories before and I might go into a few of them again, but we were happy at that point and could focus our attention on having William and making sure Maeghan was ok.

This entry is kind of short and I was going to go into the whole shoe debacle, but I think I will just end it being short. I might have to actually go back and read some of the other stuff so I know what can be repeated and what needs to be told. Not sure when, I am once again doing this at work, but should be soon. Maybe even today. I need to continue the William story, so that will take some time. William didn't have any problems, he was just such an adventure and I need to emphasize that a bit more than I think I have in the past. 

But that can wait. Have work to do.

Later

MWNews 257

Let's just do a free for all entry. Just kind of some random thoughts and adventures so I can take a break from the heavier stuff.

Of course, I am at work. It is Open Day. I have probably described it before. The school opens the doors for all visitors and students, parents, grand-parents and friends come in. It is mostly a showcase for new students, so they can come in and see if they like the school. I am not sure what the percentages are on each group. I am told 8000 to 9000 people come in each year but I don't think there is an actual count anywhere. Mostly, it is each house group creating food and selling it. Some crafts, but not many. They even have a bar this year. I am told they had one last year but I don't remember it. I can't really imagine an open bar at a school with most of the students still here. Why is that allowed. Not my job. 

My job is to sit in the IT reception area and direct people through to the main areas. When I first started, we closed the doors and no one was allowed to come through, but it is different each year. Last year, IT had their own booth but not this year. Anyway, that is what I am doing while I type this. Probably go get some food soon. I have more than the usual amount of parents through, so I hope that doesn't last.

It is Juanita's 60th birthday in November. We are planning on a trip to Tasmania as none of her family or friends are here. I am in the middle of planning that. Airline tickets, where to stay, car rental and then trying to figure out a place to book for lunch and dinner. 

I say lunch and dinner because some of her older relatives live in Tasmania and they are in late 80's and 90s. They go to bed early, or so I am told. We have talked to someone over there and they are going to arrange a lunch at the casino for all of them. I think there will be 10 or so at that lunch. I am told they go to the casino all the time, so that is a good place to meet. I don't know if anyone else is planning on attending but he said he was going to make all the arrangements so I am not worrying about it. Dinner is going to be the real problem.

I am assuming we are going to have her close relatives there. Her brother and his wife, her sister, and then the nephews and their wives. I am not sure how many or if they will come. She also wants to have her friends at the dinner. I am not sure they will come, or not all the ones she has mentioned. I am sure some of them will, but not all. About 30 or so. Now I need to find a place that can accommodate them. And with that many, I am sure I will have to make a deposit and I am also sure they will not turn up. Ten or so at the most, but she wants about 30, or more if their extended families come. It is a logistical nightmare.

I haven't actually looked at a lot of places, but I need to start. There is a really nice restaurant in the casino that I would like to go to, but it is expensive and that would put most of her friends off. There are a couple of seafood places that I just thought of, so maybe I will check them out. For one of her brother's birthdays, when we lived there, we went to a really nice steak house. But that is way out of the price range I am looking for, even for me it would be prohibitive.

I looked at one Japanese Hibachi place. Lets just say for one person, it is about the price I am expecting to pay for four. So that's out. I even looked at some farm where they only do special occasions with reservations months in advance and you do not know what they will be serving that night. No walk-ins for that one and it servers whatever they are currently growing on the farm. It sounds good, but probably not for the crowd I am bringing.

So, the hunt begins to find an appropriate place that does not price everyone out of and is still special for a 60th birthday. It would all be easier if I was at home or someplace where I could do the cooking. I hope we all remember the 40th birthday party. Maybe something like that, but I don't live in Tasmania and there isn't a place that we could hold that kind of party. I do not want to ask her brother, although that would be a good place to have it, or ask one of her friends, we have had things over at their homes before, so I am stuck with finding a restaurant. Wish me luck.

One thing that complicates the issue is the sister situation. I am not allowed to say anything to anyone, but I am thinking, who reads this. If I put it in here, no one will ever know. No one knows I am writing this again and no one knows I was writing it before, so I am kind of just talking to myself. It might be ok to say something here. I am still thinking about it, so I will move on to something else and see if I work up the courage to put it down on paper. Nothing bad, just a big, big secret. If I do write it, I might say some things that will offend people, so I am precautious.

Right now, I am going to get my free dinner for Open day. Staff get a free meal from one of the stalls. You have to tell them beforehand what you want and then they give you a voucher. I am going to get my curry. I had it last year and it wasn't bad. Could have used a bit more spice, but then doesn't everything. I should be back shortly and if I am not, read about it in the next free for all entry.

Ok, I have had my curry, I am settled in for the next two hours of people walking through and smiling and asking me if they are allowed to walk through here. Am I am ready for doing nothing.

So, the sister situation. I have decided not to write about it in this entry. She said she would make a decision by next week but I doubt if that will happen. I have always said she left it too late and there was no way she could make all the arrangements in the six month time frame she has allocated. It is just too big a decision for not allowing for everything before it happens. But I won't talk about it. At least for another week.

By the way, some of the girls up here are way too annoying. I don't know a lot of the girls, but apparently the most annoying ones flock to the IT area to hang around. Always trying to talk to me and tell me their life stories. Maybe they do it somewhere else, but I suspect they do it because I don't tell them to go away. I just let them talk and go about my work. Every once and a while, one of them will ask me if I am listening. I nod my head and that is apparently enough to allow them to keep going. 

And as I type this, one of them comes up and asks if she can take a photo with me. I am sure I am not allowed to do that, but we did it anyway. What are they going to do to me, make me retire early. I look forward to it.

I am tired of typing. I think I will be going. Sit in the back for a while and get away from all the questions and stories I have to listen to. You can't really say no. Someone will report you for being mean or worse. I was asked the other day if I had been searching one of the girls emails. Not sure why they are asking me, or I understand why as I am with the computers a lot, but in a good environment, they would know not only is it near impossible but I would not be doing that. But I understand that they have to ask. Apparently one of the girls told her parents the reason there was some search on their laptop was that someone in IT did it. Impossible, and not very likely with the crew we have. It just points to the lack of management skills I see in the IT department. But who knows, maybe I am wrong. I know I am old and critical of most things, so maybe I am wrong. An old man complaint, but I wasn't brought up in the business world to manage like this. It is the modern world and how things are done. No going back unless I want to run things again. I do not.

Later

MWNews 256

Maeghan

Maeghan was tiny. She always has been. There were no obvious problems that you could see, other than she was tiny. She moved, she turned her head, she would recognize you when you were there. Just a normal baby. We didn't see anything wrong. Still don't. She is just a happy little kid and always has been.

The doctors, on the other hand, kept telling us it wouldn't last. She had too much wrong with her that something was going to happen and everything would change. It never has. 

I hate the medical profession. I know, it's not their fault, they are doing their best, but this is just a long line of inconsistencies and lies and general incompetence I keep running into. But I am old and forgetful and really shouldn't have an opinion that counts. We live with it because it is all we can do. I generally find nurses very acceptable. They are helpful, concerned and they listen. They always are trying to do what you need to make you feel better. I have only found one, maybe two, doctors that really seemed to know what they were doing and were not just 'following the book' when you tell them what is wrong or what you think might be wrong. Not really helpful, but I have gone into this rant in the past so I shouldn't do it again. It is not the lack of brilliance I see, it is the non-caring attitude. What I keep running into is a lack of sympathy. They just seem to have people on a conveyer belt and just try to get them in and out as soon as possible. But, there I go again. 

Maeghan was doing so well. The doctors wanted her to be some kind of case study for something. At one point, we were told they only knew of 8 cases that were similar to hers in the entire world. I never really checked on that, but I know they contacted someone in Germany to discuss her case with that doctor. He had a little boy with kind of the same thing, but I think he was eight years old at the time. Actually, I don't really remember, but I think that is what they said. Nothing ever came of the case study as far as I know, but maybe she is written up in some journal somewhere discussing her condition. 

Maeghan had to have a couple of surgeries when she was little. Maybe three, but I don't remember. I know she had to go for a lot of MRI scans. I didn't have an MRI until just about a year ago and I can tell you, I hated it. Not really the scan part but having to lay in one position for that long with out even breathing funny. It was horrific. I have no idea how Maeghan did it so many times. Later, she has told me it was not good, but I never knew it back then.

I am not really sure which surgeries she had first or when they occurred. I know she was very little when it happened. What I am going to say is going to make me cry again, and I know a lot of parents have gone through the same thing. I would like to do something to support them and maybe I will after I retire, but it is not a good thing to go through.

Having to hold Maeghan's hand while they put her under anesthesia and not knowing what the results will be is about as terrifying as it gets. Told you I wouldn't make it, Be back to this in a minute.

I know one of the operations was to widen her spinal canal in her lower back. I think it was the first one but I can't be sure. They said they had to do that because it would cut off her nerves and she would be paralysed from the waist down if they did not. Looking back on it after all these years, I just have to say Really? I can't say if it had to be done or if it did not. They are the doctors, but with my experience before and since then, I am beginning to question it.

The problem was, or is, is that they had to fuse her spine on I think three vertebrae. This means she could not grow. She would always be small. because that part of her spine would never get bigger. Maybe it was necessary, but that has really defined her life since then. Not in a bad way, she is still Maeghan and the joy of my life, but it meant she would never be able to do a lot of things we take for granted. To this day, I am not sure we understand all the implications as it is still effecting her. But she is Maeghan. That is what matters to me. She doesn't let it define her life and I am there for her whatever she wants to do. Yea, I make a fuss about it and I get scared when she is trying to do something I think is not advisable, but she is Maeghan, smart and capable of taking care of herself, as much as I would like her to still depend on me, but another story.

I am pretty sure I covered the frog hop when she was little. That is how she got around. Up on her knees and hands and sort of hopped forward. I am thinking about it now and remembering how cute it was. It looked kind of painful but maybe that is just me being old and fat. She got around ok so I guess it worked for her.

I think I have told the stories of me sitting her up on the counter while I cooked. She seemed to enjoy that a lot. I have pictures of it somewhere. She would just sit there and watch. I'd give her something to eat or let her stir something every once and a while. I think she enjoyed it, but it's been so long ago, I don't think even she would remember it.

I am kind of forgetting what I was going to write now. I have some stories from later in life but I think there was something I wanted to get to before that. I'll give it a break for now and see if I remember later. Besides, work, crying, emotional crap, it gets to be a bit hard each time, so this is good for now.

Later

MWNews 255

William

Let's do a little about William, since I have so much trouble typing out Maeghan's. This one doesn't make me cry as much. William is more about being a boy. Lots of issues, but not life changing issues. Although, William has always been a bit life changing.

This one was again, IVF. I am pretty sure the girls were going to donate money for it. I don't recall if they ever did, but as I have said, Juanita seems to think they did. I am not so sure, but let's go with that. The reasoning behind this one was Juanita wanted to give me a son. I had no great desire for another child and I was happy without having a son, but she insisted and we thought we could manage it. 

Maeghan had always been such a calm and entertaining little girl, so we figured, we could do it again. It would probably be the last chance as I was getting older and Juanita chances of getting pregnant was going down, or so we were told. So we decided, let's do it.

Once again, first time, we got lucky. No need to try again and I had figured we wouldn't have done it again if it had not worked the first time, but we will never know. We were living on the Central Coast, north of Sydney, at the time. William was born in Gosford. Not a great place, but the closest hospital. I seem to recall we were informed that she was pregnant while we were up in Newcastle, on a day trip. I have no idea why I think that but it seems right. A text message or phone call or something. The girls were with us and it made us happy. I am probably remembering it all wrong and the news we got in Newcastle was for something totally different, but it's a fond memory so let's say it is true. Who's going to contradict me. 

I'd like to say the pregnancy was normal and there were no problems. I can say there were no problems with William. He seemed like a normal baby doing normal baby things. I seem to recall that they had trouble scanning him a few times. Sent chills into both Juanita and I, but the problems were he would not cooperate for the scans. He would always be in the wrong position or facing the wrong way and we would have to keep coming back for another attempt to get the pictures they wanted. The problems with the pregnancy were with Juanita.

I don't recall the exact issue, but there was something she had wrong. Endometriosis, if that is really a word, or something that was causing her pain. I don't remember what it was. But, she had to spend the last several months of the pregnancy in the hospital. I think it was four months, maybe three. Something like that. Now I am once again thinking, what did we do with Maeghan. I know I was working. I don't know who stayed with Maeghan while I was at work. I don't remember how that worked. I believe Natalie and Adam were living with us at the time, so maybe that was it. Or was it Angela and her kids. Two different places we lived and I don't recall which one we were in. Always had someone living with us, so they must have watched Maeghan.

I do know Maeghan and I spent a lot of time together. Maybe that is why we are so close today. We had a lot of time while Juanita was in the hospital. I remember talking to her and taking her to the park and stuff. Could be I am once again confusing memories, but I know we spent a lot of alone time together. So how did the time I was at work go. It would be nice to know but I am not going to try to figure it out. Let's just say we had a good time.

We visited Juanita everyday. Sometimes brought her food and stuff. Spent a couple of hours there each night but Juanita was not really happy about it. When we weren't there, no one else was visiting her. Not that there were a lot of family or friends to visit, but the ones that were never came up to see her. She made some friends at the hospital but they were usually in and out while she had to stay there the whole time. I know it was not a very happy time for her, but the pregnancy with William was going well, besides the other issues, so we were happy about that. Thinking back on that, I can't believe we decided to do it again, with the devastation of Maeghan's pregnancy, but I think she was such a joy, we wanted to have it again.

William was born, normal baby, although I think he was a bit large. I know he was late and they finally just did him. C-section again. No problems. At Gosford hospital, which was almost an hour from us. At some point, they were transferred to the private hospital that was near our house. Why she could not have been there the whole time, I have no idea. It was a much better hospital in a much better area. Probably a public health care thing, but eventually, they were allowed to go there, if just for a few days. I have pictures of Maeghan singing and dancing in the hospital room with William in the crib. A few pictures of her holding him, but she was so small and he was so big, you could already see the difference in size they were going to be.

Our problems with William didn't really start until he learned to move. Not walk, but the ability to get himself from one place to another. I'll have to leave that for another time as I have been typing two entries today and I feel sure I should be working. But, while Maeghan remained a little girl, William became something completely different. Looking back, I don't regret any of it and look back on it fondly, but that could be because I am not actually remembering everything. We still refer to William's childhood as a terror. We love him so much and he was just being a boy, but man, it was fun while it lasted.

Later

MWNews 254

 Maeghan

So, we were told the horrible news about Meaghan. They told us to take a few days and think about it. They scheduled more appointments later.

I have to say, it was devastating. From my point of view, I didn't really feel anything. I was numb. I didn't think about it, I didn't do anything, I just remember not feeling anything about anything. I am sure I went back to work, but I don't remember doing any of that. I must have, because it wasn't just a few days, it was a few months, so I must have been working. I just have no memory of it.

What I do remember is driving. I know Juanita and I would just get in the car and drive. I don't think we talked about it, I don't remember any plans, I just remember driving. All over the countryside. I can't tell you how long that went on, but I know it was every weekend for several weeks and after every visit to the doctors. I don't know what we did during the week, but we drove on the weekend.

We kept going back to the doctors. We were told all the possibilities, or what I assumed were all the possibilities. They told us she probably wouldn't survive. That, if she did survive until birth, she would most likely be paralysed from the neck down. That she would probably have brain damage. That there were all kinds of things that would not work. Horrible, horrible things that were going to happen to her. It was devastating, each time. Because they didn't just tell us this once, they kept bringing us back in and saying it again and again. 

And I can say, it had never even occurred to me until they said it, but the bastards wanted us to abort. They told us that several weeks after the initial diagnosis. I honestly had never thought about that. I don't know about Juanita, but that wasn't anything I would ever be prepared to do. It wasn't an option as far as I was concerned. After they told us that, and it was several doctors that told us the same thing, they had us go and think about it. 

Juanita and I never really talked about it, only once I think. We were driving, as we always were at that time, and she said she did not want to abort. I said I couldn't do that either, or something like that. As far as I was concerned, it was not an option. She agreed and I think that is the only time we ever mentioned it to each other.

They kept doing scans. Lots of scans. They kept saying they did not see any movement or anything. But Juanita kept insisting she could feel the baby moving. That she knew Maeghan was in there and moving around all the time. The doctors kept saying no, they didn't see it. You may think this would cause me to stop trusting the doctors. To be honest, my opinions of the medical profession did not start there, but I think this is where they solidified. This story isn't about that, but it lets you know some of where I am coming from and some of the opinions I still have today.

The head doctor was really bad. Maybe it was his job to give the bad news, but I don't think he was very nice or sympathetic, Again, maybe that was his role, but a lot of the other doctors were much better at the interrelation part. I don't really know because I was still numb, for most of the remaining pregnancy. I know it had to have been months, I don't really remember at what point we were told most of this. It had to be later in the pregnancy since Maeghan was supposed to be fully formed at this point. Or so I think it was. I don't know enough about it or remember the exact timelines of when things happen, but I think it was probably six or seven months into it when they found the problem.

As I said, I was numb. I don't remember going to work during that time. I don't know what Juanita was doing if I was going to work. I think Juanita's parents came over at some point. Maybe they were already here or maybe it was afterwards. I don't know. Maybe it was one of the girls, or maybe both. Michael would have been there. I just don't remember. Someone would have had to be staying with Juanita while I was working. I don't remember them being with us on the drives. I don't know. Maybe it is part of my disease, that I don't remember anymore. Maybe it was just too terrible of a time and I have suppressed those memories. I don't know. I wish I did, or maybe I am happy I do not. It was the worst time I can remember.

I think I was in there for the birth. It was caesarean. I get confused about what happened with each birth. I confuse the details of what happened with each one. Obviously, Maeghan was born. I do seem to recall that the doctors or nurses were amazed that Maeghan appeared normal, if small, and that she was alive and breathing and moving. It was more of an impression I got and not anything anyone said, but I do seem to recall that they were amazed that she was moving her legs and everything. Maybe I am confused, but that is the memory I have and the one I want to keep from the birth.

I am going to leave it again. I am at work and you know the story. Still cannot type this with any semblance of dignity. I'll get back to it when I can.

Later 

MWNews 253

Maeghan 

I think I have told a lot of this in previous entries but maybe it will be good to do it again. I live in the past a lot lately. Looking at old pictures, the occasional video, so it makes me remember things and wish we could do more of that stuff. Problem is, now it is just weird if I go play in the park, with or without the kids. I still do it, but I feel kind of strange while I am there. 

So we have been through the IVF stuff. Worked the first time, Juanita was pregnant and we were living in Penrith I think. That is where she was born and I can't imagine we moved during that time, so it must have been where we were living. Having lived in so many different places, moved once a year for about six or seven years during that time, so knowing where we were at any given time is problematic. I think I remember them all, just not the order in which we moved and what year or time of year each move came about. So let's say Penrith and go with that.

Juanita's pregnancy went ok, or I do not remember any issues in the beginning. Normal stuff as far as I can remember. And then it changed.

I am about to go into what happened at some point. It might take me a few tries and I am currently at work and I cannot really go into it while I am here. Since you are reading, it may not be noticeable, but I have to say I still get very emotional about it and tend to cry a lot. Even after all these years. I remember it. It might be the worst time of my life. I can think of a few things that might have hit me worse, but they no longer cause me to start crying immediately. It was bad. I think I have gone through it before in here, but I am going to do it again. Not now, from my perspective, not now. I have to work. Hopefully, I will do it soon. But, again, you will never know. This is just a blog entry. No time references. I will now step away.

I don't really get a chance to do this anywhere. I would like to do it at home but I never seem to find the time. Always something else to do, although I don't really do anything. I just never want to sit down in front of the computer and type. I do it at work because that is what I do, but when I get home, I want nothing to do with computers. And when I do sit down at home, I think, maybe I will play Civilization for a while. Eight hours later, I am too tired to do anything else, so I give it up. Maybe I can sneak this in at work. Although, I have been interrupted twice since I started typing this time. And now, I am going for coffee.

Okay, drinking my coffee, kids are in class, no bosses here today, I think I can get five or ten minutes in before the students come back.

Sometime, I don't remember which month, we got a disturbing note from the hospital. We were in for one of the scans, off the top of my head I can't remember what it is called but it is the usual one where you get to see the pictures on a screen. The nurse/doctor doing it said he was unable to focus on some parts of Maeghan. He didn't know what the problem was but after trying for a while, he said he would send the pictures to the doctor and let us know when to come back. We didn't really think anything of it at the time.

A few days? weeks? later, I don't remember how long, they told us to come back in to do the scan again. We did, but when we got there, the head doctor was there, along with some other people, and they all were there to do the scan. I seem to remember thinking that was kind of strange but assumed they would have told us something if they knew anything.

I am doing this from memory and probably have a lot of the actual facts wrong so I might be making part of this up. I think the details might be incorrect but the actual diagnosis and feelings I can still feel. 

The doctor called us in to a private office and told us it wasn't really a problem with the scan. It was picking up what was there. We had been told the first time that they were having trouble focusing on parts of Maeghan, but the doctor was now telling us the issue was here spinal column appeared to be fused, or something like that. He said they could not focus on it because what they were seeing was a mass of malformed tissue and bone. Maybe not exactly what he said, but I think you get the gist.

From that point, he gave us a lot of details of what it might mean and what could happen and what we should be doing. I remember that he told us she would never walk and would be paralysed from the neck down. That she might not even have brain functions. It was too early to tell, but the prognosis did not look good.

I don't know if he sent us away at that point or if he continued, but I do know that they were going to get some other experts to look at it and get back to us with more information. And right now, I am crying so bad I have to stop. I am at work. Get back to it later.

Later 

MWNews 252

Maeghan

I remember back before Maeghan was born, we hadn't really planned on having kids. Mainly because Juanita could not have kids. She had had her 'tubes tied' back before I met her. She had not planned on having kids and I was over 40, so I didn't have any plans. 

We were living in Sydney somewhere, I would have to think long and hard about it to determine where we were at the time. I believe it was while we were still in Penrith. In fact, I can almost guarantee it, since she was born in Penrith hospital. I must have been working at CSC at the time, but I can't really be sure. I might have still been at Fujitsu, but I doubt it. Now that I am thinking about it, I can't really say. I should probably go look that up or something. 

I am not sure why we decided to do it. We would have to go through IVF. Wasn't really a problem and I am sure we were happy about it. I mean, having a new baby via IVF is not something you do on the spur of the moment. We must have really wanted a child. As I like to say, we were so keen, we went out and bought one. Maeghan doesn't really like it when I say that, but it's true. We choose to have her. It wasn't an accident. I think she should appreciate that more.

I have no recollection on how much it cost. $5000/$6000, maybe more. I don't remember. We got all the warnings that it might not take the first time and it would cost that much each time we tried. I seem to recall that we were not worried about it. I have no idea why. Seems like that's a lot of money but maybe it wasn't. We decided to do it.

Fortunately, it worked the first time. Juanita said she could always get pregnant real easily, hence the need to tie her tubes when she was still young. We were told we were running out of time as the older you get, the harder it is to do. We didn't have a problem.

As I recall, there seems to be some dispute about who paid for this procedure. Juanita seems to think that her daughters paid for it. I don't remember that and I know it is not true. They were not old enough and did not have jobs. They might have given us money for when we had it done for William, but what I recall is that they talked about giving us money when we had William. I know I paid for both. Maybe they gave us a token amount, but there is no way they paid that kind of money back then with no jobs and mostly still living with us. It doesn't really matter, but if anyone ever makes that claim, you tell them I paid for it and was happy to do it. Again, we choose to have these kids and spent money to do it. It's always good to keep these things in the family.

I just ran into the other problem with doing this. It is now the next day and I have no idea where I was going with this. As it gets longer, I will forget what I have already said and begin to repeat myself. Maybe in the final version, I will read back through it all and make it make sense. That seems like a lot of work. But, according to my plan, which doesn't really exist, I will make this into a real story type thing and it will all make sense in the end. Probably not a plan I will follow but it's a start.

Right now, I am thinking I have already told this story in piecemeal fashion in other entries. I have no idea if that is true. I am going to continue under the assumption that it is not or just telling myself this will be better than what I did before. I am hoping for an interesting lightning strike that brings it all into focus so I can actually do what I think I want to do. So, pray for rain.

I am also not sure how or when I will break this up into pieces. Should I just type it all into one entry and go back later and decide where it needs to have breaks, or start making the breaks now and run the risk of not being able to edit it later. I can always edit. The one big entry that I break up later runs the risk of losing everything if something ever goes wrong with the one entry and I can't recover it. Breaking it now lends itself to not being able to remain consistent. 

Bugger it, I'll just type and the reader can figure it out. And yes, I hate the fact that I said bugger it. Where am I from? 

As I am typing, I am about to say to hell with it. I will just go back to making entries like I used to. There is a lot to say and a lot I want to say and a lot I need to say. My original idea was to tell a sort of cohesive story about the beginnings of Maeghan and William. All the troubles we had and went through for each of them. As I said, I think I might have already done a lot of that but I was going to get it down in a straight forward manner so it was not interrupted by side quests and transits to other worlds. But now, I want to write stuff, like I used to. Everything that is going on now and everything that might be happening or did happen in the intervening years since I was writing.

I guess what I am saying is, 

I AM BACK.

For good or evil, I will try to start writing again. Probably not as much about the kids, but that is their problem. If they want things to be put in here, they can read this and tell me what they want me to write about. 

I still want to do the origin story thing, but it is probably going to be piecemeal (I seem to be typing that word a lot). A story here and there, a reference to something that was, or a tangent into the unknown. I will eventually get it there, but not as fast as I wanted.

I suppose now, I need to figure out how I will end these things. I used to have a saying but that is too much trouble. And I always wanted to end them in the same way, but again, too much trouble. How about.

Later

MWNews 251

 Hello,

I think I might be back. You will know if I ever publish this. If you don't see it, assume I am not back yet.

I thought I would try something. A lot of caveats with it and it may not work, but I need to try to get some stuff down on paper.

What I want to do is get kind of a history of Maeghan and William and our lives before and after they arrived. Kind of what this whole blog has been about, but I am not sure how much specific detail I have included over the years and I wanted to make sure their story is told before I forget everything. I assume I will need more than one part to each of these, but we will see how I go.

I am pretty much stuck in the 'I forget everything' phase. I don't remember a lot of things that are happening now and I am not so sure I will remember things from the past. What I want to do is just write them down as I remember them. I will probably go back and re-write or add to or change things as I go along. My plan is to get all that I can down in several parts. I will not publish until I have most everything I wanted to say. I can always go back and revise later, but I want it to be a whole story before it goes public. 

A lot of it will be how Juanita and I felt, or mostly how I felt, before and after each of them was born. What I remember we were going through at the time and then some things that we went through after. Since they are both adults now, there probably won't be a lot of what they are currently going through, but there is a lot to tell on that front, so I might create some entries along the way that address that. 

It's a big job, and I don't expect to finish it anytime soon. But you will have no idea that has happened as it will all appear at once and there will be no delays in each entry. Or, I don't think there will. Since I am just starting, I really have no idea where this will go or what my eventual plans will be. But it's a start.

To give some context, it is now 7/7/2026 when I am starting. If I ever get some of this published, you can refer to that date as to when I actually starting writing this. I am currently still working at BGGS and I am there now, but I hope to continue this at home, in my free time. It will take away from me watching movies, but my chair is not comfortable in front of the TV, so I will move on to the desk to do the writing. Maybe, probably, I will do some more at work, but that's not the plan. 

I don't know what to call these. Right now, this entry is called Maeghan's Story pt1, but that won't last. As this is turning into more of an introduction than an actual entry, I will probably call it entry 251, to signal I am back. Later episodes will probably be titled something else, I don't know what. 

Just so you know, to lead off, my memory problems have gotten worse. My health is probably better but I really just believe I have gotten used to all the things that are wrong with me. I seem to recall things from the past but not recent things. I still have a lot of trouble remembering the exact details, names, dates and locations of things in the past, but I have the general idea of what happened. Or, I think I do. A big thing, like right now, is that I cannot remember where we were living when Maeghan was born, or when. I don't recall the hospital experience of either Maeghan or William. I did, but now I have forgotten. I am hoping to remember. If I don't, this little experiment will end pretty quick. From experience, I usually do not remember and it is gone. Or if I do remember, I don't remember that I forgot, so I think it is a new idea or new information. 

The absolute biggest problem I have is that I always think I am forgetting something. Something I was doing, or wanted to do, or needed to remember to do. I feel like that all the time. It makes me very anxious. No one seems to be able to help. To me, they just say they're sorry and feel bad for me but no one actually does anything. Especially the doctors. I've given up on getting help. According to them, there is nothing wrong with me. I am perfectly normal. I can tell you, I don't feel normal and I absolutely hate it. But what am I to do. Private insurance? Maybe. But that is expensive and I don't have enough money to retire on now, so I can't add the expense of more insurance. Another big reason why I am starting this now. If it does get worse, I won't be able to do it. So I am getting it down, writing what I know and going to try to make someone know that, in the end, I really love my children and I already miss them more than I can really stand. 

Don't expect jokes. It will probably be a bit sad. But I will try to make it as entertaining as possible and not fall into the self pitying rhetoric I have included in the past and continue to do even in this entry. I'm a fun guy. I just don't have a lot of fun. This is how we roll.

We will go on a ride, see where we are, where we have been and hope for the best. I am sure I already went through a lot of this in all the other entries. In case you haven't heard, my memory is failing.

Later