Maeghan
I think I have told a lot of this in previous entries but maybe it will be good to do it again. I live in the past a lot lately. Looking at old pictures, the occasional video, so it makes me remember things and wish we could do more of that stuff. Problem is, now it is just weird if I go play in the park, with or without the kids. I still do it, but I feel kind of strange while I am there.
So we have been through the IVF stuff. Worked the first time, Juanita was pregnant and we were living in Penrith I think. That is where she was born and I can't imagine we moved during that time, so it must have been where we were living. Having lived in so many different places, moved once a year for about six or seven years during that time, so knowing where we were at any given time is problematic. I think I remember them all, just not the order in which we moved and what year or time of year each move came about. So let's say Penrith and go with that.
Juanita's pregnancy went ok, or I do not remember any issues in the beginning. Normal stuff as far as I can remember. And then it changed.
I am about to go into what happened at some point. It might take me a few tries and I am currently at work and I cannot really go into it while I am here. Since you are reading, it may not be noticeable, but I have to say I still get very emotional about it and tend to cry a lot. Even after all these years. I remember it. It might be the worst time of my life. I can think of a few things that might have hit me worse, but they no longer cause me to start crying immediately. It was bad. I think I have gone through it before in here, but I am going to do it again. Not now, from my perspective, not now. I have to work. Hopefully, I will do it soon. But, again, you will never know. This is just a blog entry. No time references. I will now step away.
I don't really get a chance to do this anywhere. I would like to do it at home but I never seem to find the time. Always something else to do, although I don't really do anything. I just never want to sit down in front of the computer and type. I do it at work because that is what I do, but when I get home, I want nothing to do with computers. And when I do sit down at home, I think, maybe I will play Civilization for a while. Eight hours later, I am too tired to do anything else, so I give it up. Maybe I can sneak this in at work. Although, I have been interrupted twice since I started typing this time. And now, I am going for coffee.
Okay, drinking my coffee, kids are in class, no bosses here today, I think I can get five or ten minutes in before the students come back.
Sometime, I don't remember which month, we got a disturbing note from the hospital. We were in for one of the scans, off the top of my head I can't remember what it is called but it is the usual one where you get to see the pictures on a screen. The nurse/doctor doing it said he was unable to focus on some parts of Maeghan. He didn't know what the problem was but after trying for a while, he said he would send the pictures to the doctor and let us know when to come back. We didn't really think anything of it at the time.
A few days? weeks? later, I don't remember how long, they told us to come back in to do the scan again. We did, but when we got there, the head doctor was there, along with some other people, and they all were there to do the scan. I seem to remember thinking that was kind of strange but assumed they would have told us something if they knew anything.
I am doing this from memory and probably have a lot of the actual facts wrong so I might be making part of this up. I think the details might be incorrect but the actual diagnosis and feelings I can still feel.
The doctor called us in to a private office and told us it wasn't really a problem with the scan. It was picking up what was there. We had been told the first time that they were having trouble focusing on parts of Maeghan, but the doctor was now telling us the issue was here spinal column appeared to be fused, or something like that. He said they could not focus on it because what they were seeing was a mass of malformed tissue and bone. Maybe not exactly what he said, but I think you get the gist.
From that point, he gave us a lot of details of what it might mean and what could happen and what we should be doing. I remember that he told us she would never walk and would be paralysed from the neck down. That she might not even have brain functions. It was too early to tell, but the prognosis did not look good.
I don't know if he sent us away at that point or if he continued, but I do know that they were going to get some other experts to look at it and get back to us with more information. And right now, I am crying so bad I have to stop. I am at work. Get back to it later.
Later
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