William
I’m trying to type this on my phone, which means one finger typing. I’m sure I will get tired of this very soon, but right now, I am sitting in a coffee shop in the shopping center waiting for Juanita to return. So, I have some time.
I wanted to tell the scariest story from William’s past, one that still haunts me to this day. I’m hoping he reads it someday so he can understand the abundance of caution I always have for what he does. I don’t say he needs the concern, but I wish he understood where it comes from.
William has always been a little reckless. Not that he thinks so, but I feel he sometimes does things, and probably more than sometimes, without thinking it through. He just reacts or acts without thinking. I know, just a typical boy, but there was one occasion that brings me nightmares and I can’t stop thinking about it when he does some of the things he does.
Don’t get me wrong, William is a very levelheaded, cautious kid and I think the acting without thinking might turn into a strength as he gets older. But for me, he is still that little boy who scarred me for life. Not really his fault, it’s more about me, I just want him to understand why.
And since I cannot see what I am typing on my phone because of the limited real estate, I am going to have to stop before it drives me any crazier. I’ll get back to it as soon as I can. It’s not like I will forget the incident that happened, but I will have to tell it later.
Of course, I am assuming I have never told it before. The issue is, I think I have told some things in here but as I am rereading them, I see some things that are missing well after when they should have been reported so my memory seems to have failed. Maybe I said this exact same thing in an entry but for now, I will type it again. I am only up to William being about one and this took place when he was about five or six. He can't really be held accountable for it, but it is a defining point for my life.
But now I have typed more and still can’t see what I have typed, so I am leaving it for now.
I am back. I am sure you missed me more than I missed you. No, that's not right. Take that, reverse it, now we are good. And by the way, I hate doing this on my home computer. William got a new keyboard and mouse. He uses the computer the most and he thought I would like it, but I do not like this keyboard. The keys are small, raised too much and have too much give. I like bigger keys, something you can't get anymore, not as much play, and since the keyboard it lighted from below, I can't see what each key is, so I have to rely on touch and experience to actually type with any speed or accuracy. A tough call. He thought I would like it and did it for me, but until he reads this, he will not know that I don't really like it, to the point that I might go get the old keyboard, which also has small keys but is a bit flatter and easier to see and touch type on. But on with the show.
We were living in Tasmania at the time. Not together, but next door to each other. A long story I will not go into. We were getting ready to go somewhere and my car was parked across the street; I have no idea why. We went out to the busy road and were waiting for traffic to clear so we could cross.
As we were about to cross, a big truck was coming. I wasn't really paying attention, just waiting for the truck. Maeghan, and I do not blame Maeghan for anything, was arguing with William about who was going to sit where. I have no idea why that was happening as they both always sat in the same seats each time. Probably something I am misremembering again.
William was getting ready to cross, Maeghan was waiting with me. I think William looked away for a minute, and Maeghan said it's clear and acted like she was going to start running. William didn't even look, just turned and started to run. The truck was just about upon us. Juanita was standing beside William. I don't know how, but as William started to take off, Juanita grabbed his arm and stopped him. I have no idea how she did that or how she reacted so quickly and it has never really been made a big deal in the family. But I remember it. I can see it in slow motion when I close my eyes. I can see it in my dreams sometimes. I get very, very upset each time. But I hide it from everyone.
I know, if Juanita had not grabbed him, he would have been right in front of that truck. If he had not been killed by it, he would have been severely hurt, to the point that he might have been permanently disabled. Speculation on my part, but I think he would have been killed. It haunts me all time.
I know, it was an isolated incident. It should not bother me so much. But when I see William about to do something without thinking about it, I am reminded of that time. I am reminded, that there was once a time when he would have acted and the consequences would have been the worst thing that could ever happen.
So, William, I sometimes get upset with you. I sometimes am harsher than I should be and I do not always support you like I should. But that scares me. I am afraid and I do not know how to handle it and sometimes I do not know how to advise you or make things easier for you other than to say no or yell at you for doing what I think might be a stupid thing to do. Because I see the worst moment I have ever experienced with you flash before my eyes and I just want to stop it from happening again. It is not your fault. You may or may not be doing anything wrong. I try to believe you have thought through whatever you are doing and have made the best choice you know how to make. Right or wrong, you know what you are doing, even if I don't recognize it. I support you, but I am scared. Scared for my little boy who I almost lost because of a stupid mistake. I don't want that to happen.
I want to be proud of you. I am proud of you. I see a good person turning into a good man. I see you learn from your mistakes and take actions that are good and helpful to others. Please forgive me. I just want to make sure you think about what it is you are doing or want to do, and then do them to the best of your ability.
I love you William.
And now that I have made myself cry again, why do I keep doing that, I will let this entry go. Until I find a better way to type on this keyboard, I guess I am stuck with doing this at work. I will give it another try, but this is not helpful. It is hard to type. But until next time.
Later
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