I am finding it hard to believe I am typing this again. Making new entries into the blog. I always knew I would be back some day, but didn't think it would take two years and since it has, I can't believe I have started. I wish I could do it more often
This one isn't a childhood story. Just general mayhem. I am going to wing it and probably just type a little and then get back to it as I can. I might tell a few stories, but that is what this is for. I just don't know where the muse will take me.
I think I am noticing something a bit different in the font that is being used. Can't be bothered to go back and compare, but something about it looks different. Probably just my imagination. But something is different. Can't tell what.
I have also debated on putting pictures back in. I always had trouble doing that since I am doing it at work and it is hard to get the pictures onto my work computer. Not hard, just not something I wanted to do. I probably won't do it, but I might, if I ever do this at home, go back into the entries and add the pictures from my home computer. Just depends on how interested I am in doing it. One thing I have thought, over the years, is the pictures might be why people look at this blog. Pictures of kids and stuff, if you know what I mean. I have always debated it but decided it was better to have the pictures and ignore the ramifications. Might have been a bad idea, but it is too late now, unless I go back and delete them all. I will decide when I get older.
Oh wait, I am older. And, I am uncomfortable with the pictures being there. I watch some YouTube videos and a lot of them have blurred out the kids in the pictures. Most of them haven't, but there are quite a few that have. I understand it was at the direction of YouTube. I will definitely do it if I am told to do it, but for now, they are there and I am debating continuing it. It is a whole lot easier if I don't, but we will see.
Maeghan is going to University now. She has two years left. I don't know if I talked about that before. She is studying Graphic Design. She decided she didn't really want to do the kids thing anymore. I think she might change her mind at some point, but for now, this is what she wants. She got a HECS debt to afford to go to University. Not sure how much it is. It is fairly expensive to go. I won't go into HECS debts but here in Australia, you can get your schooling paid for and they don't want the money back until you get a job. Then they take some percentage from your check to pay the debt. I am not sure how it works, but it allows anyone to go to school if they want to.
She has taken one programming course, along with all the other art and design courses. She hated it. Not sure if she realises that Graphic Design is more than just drawing. She has done some stop animation movies, or shorts, and will have to do a bunch more. She has to draw each picture and then put them together. It takes forever but I think she enjoys it. We will see if she completes the course and where it leads her. I know she will complete it, but two more years might seem like a long time to go.
William is now a certified security guard. He just got his certificate this week. Been about six months of work and a lot of fees, but he has the card now, so he can apply for jobs. Problem is, most of the jobs he has found require two years experience. I don't know how hard he has looked, but I think he is already getting discouraged. I might have to help him at some point, but that goes back to the old thing I am trying to do. I want both of them to be able to do things on their own. Not depend on me to do it for them. Maeghan is doing ok, she should ask me more often, but she is trying to get it done on her own.
William is trying to do it on his own also, but I keep having to do the computer work for him. Filling out forms and stuff. He has done a lot, but if it is something new, he asks me to do it and that takes forever because I am old and don't want to do it. But I help when I get in the mood. He applied, followed up and did most of the paperwork for the security guard stuff, but in the end, I had to help or look over the work to make sure it was done correctly. He actually did it better than I did as I didn't know some things that he did, so I think he will be alright. As long as he does not get too discouraged about the progress in finding a job that will hire him straight out of class. I haven't looked yet, but maybe he can do it on his own. I can't help as I have never done it before, but I can show him some better ways to look.
I think he needs to get onto Centrelink and get them to do some things for him, specifically, pay him some money while he looks. I think they should have already done that, but that is a whole other story I will not get into. They might also help him find a job. They are supposed to do that, or they used to. Now, I think it might be that they just provide a computer for you to look up jobs. He doesn't really need that. Maybe he can do it all on his own, but if I ever get better, I will eventually try to do it for him. My feeling is, he has about six months left before I plan to retire and then I can help him fulltime. And that brings us to me and where I am at.
My health has deteriorated in the past few years. Or, it hasn't gotten better. I feel awful. Tired and ackey most of the time. Physically, I am not sure what is going on. Am I just getting old or is there something wrong. I don't know and I do not know how to tell a doctor. I say things and he wants me to go for tests. They don't find anything or they recommend I go to physical therapy. I have tried physical therapy. They tell me to go home and do some silly exercise or something. I do it and it never helps. I still feel lousy. I don't know what else to do. I have tried exercising on my own, but that doesn't last very long before I get tired of it or something happens and I get out of rhythm so I have to start over again. It's all my fault but, in the end, I still feel bad.
My back hurts, my knees hurt, my ankles hurt, everything hurts. Exercising makes it worse. I feel really bad for longer after I do it. Maybe it is just me and I am not doing enough, but it is kind of hard when you are in so much pain, you can't continue and you just want to take a break. So I skip a day and then I skip two days and soon enough, I can't do it anymore and I have to start the whole routine over again. It is very frustrating.
And yes, I know, that is everyone's problem and everyone has the same complaints. But I didn't used to be that way and I could finish everything I wanted to do. So it must be the getting old problem and there is nothing I can do to fix that.
I also have heart issues over and over again. And the threat of strokes because I keep getting TIA's or TAI's or whatever it is you get that is like a mini stroke and indicates you are at risk of getting a real stroke. I have them about every three months. Doctors tell me I need to go to the hospital immediately so they can check me while it is happening but it never happens when I can immediately go to the hospital and by the time I get there, they say they are guessing it was a TIA but they are never sure. Very frustrating.
But that is all physical stuff, and is by no means all the physical issues I am having. The real problem is mental. I think I am fast approaching mental incapacity. Dementia. It is bad. Real bad. So much so, I keep having disturbing thoughts. I do not want to lose my mind. It is all I have ever had. I was always, or most of the time, the smartest one in the room. Didn't matter where I was or who I was with, I knew I could out think anyone, or had more knowledge than anyone around me. Arrogance on my part, but that doesn't make it not true. It didn't matter what subject or what anyone was talking about, I always knew something about it and generally I had more knowledge than the person who was speaking. I always tried to not speak my mind and let them discover that I could help if they needed it, but in my mind, I knew it. Again, genuine arrogance on my part, but that's me. The smartest one in the room, if only in my mind.
I am not that anymore. I am not the smartest one in the room. I am learning to live with it. Sometimes, I think I should get more involved and learn about what others are talking about, but then I think I am old and will retire soon, so why learn something new just so I will have no use for it when I do retire. I debate on the usefulness of me learning something new and whether it will make me happy or not. Most of the time, I come up with no, too much effort for too little gain. Makes me look stupid most of the time, but I can live with that. Or, I think I can. I am trying to live with it.
I think the biggest issue is, what if I can't. What if my mental state and my inability to remember what I am saying in the middle of saying it, indicates that I no longer can learn what I need to learn or what I need to do. It faces me all the time. Am I still capable. I don't know and I am afraid to find out. So I stay in ignorance and let others do it.
I know that at times, I am truly brilliant. I give little speeches that are inciteful, accurate, and come up with real solutions to problems. So I know I can still do it. It is just that 24 hours later, I have no idea what I was talking about or why I was saying or doing whatever it is I did. People come back to me and say they thought that was a good idea and I have no recollection of what they are talking about. I cannot elaborate on it. Again, it makes me come off as ignorant and not helpful. But I don't remember and no amount of trying ever seems to bring it back. The ideas are gone and the seeming knowledge and insight I had is no longer there. I forget it. It's gone. Maybe I come up with the same idea months later, but I don't remember ever saying anything about it.
You know I have lots more to say about it. I will eventually. But for now, this self pity has gone on long enough and I need to go to lunch. Maybe a sandwich will help. I have salami and cheese. And pickle, I love pickles. I even have a t-shirt that says I love pickles. It says, 'I love pickles and chilis and maybe three other people'. I get comments on it every time I wear it. It is a lot of fun so I have to save it for when we go out or go somewhere so people will be amused and tell me they feel the same way. It is a lot of fun.
But this does mean I am closing this entry. I will be back to talk more about me, I mean the kids, later. It is Friday, so maybe I will do it at home on the weekend. That will never happen, but maybe. I do feel like playing some Civilization. Can't type and play at the same time, but maybe I can figure out a way.
Later
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